I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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