i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
