Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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