Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
