I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
