Who did Billy Mays play for?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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