Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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