Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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