Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
