She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize