I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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