Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
