The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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