i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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