Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
