I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
