WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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