maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
