I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
