i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
sick fucks of a feather flock together
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
