This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
