They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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