Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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