Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
