Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
