A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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