just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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