I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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