Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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