Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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