Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
