Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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