you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
