I hate your face
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
