did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
how do flat chested girls get laid?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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