I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
