went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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