Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The Olympian is in my bed
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
