getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
