i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
