He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize