Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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