My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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