he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
