We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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