So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
