I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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