Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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