He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
