dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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