my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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