She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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