Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
