i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
