I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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