mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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