turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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