Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
