you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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