Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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