WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
