just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
