How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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