Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
