I hate all girls vehemently.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
