fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
