I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize