it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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