that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
