On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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